Psychoactive Drugs

Since the beginning of February, I’ve been cycling pretty frequently–for a combination of reasons, my meds stopped working. So, I’ve been pretty used to extreme mood swings–for every high, there is a low, and the lows are crushing and horrible, although the highs, while not full-fledged manic, are incredibly beautiful (not least because they’re not too extreme for me to function). I recently changed meds–I’m weaning off of Trileptal, I’m still on Risperdal and Celexa, and I just started with Lamictal. I’ve also been taking better care of myself–specifically, I’ve been getting regular sleep. Because of that, I think new drug cocktail is starting to work. However, I wonder what “working” means–the only evidence I’ve seen of it was this Friday, when I was on a high all evening until I got groped by a drunk guy at a party (I’m transgendered, so the boobs aren’t real, but it’s still incredibly disturbing), left the party, and felt myself start to crash. I could feel the high leaving and the depression starting, and I prepared myself for another night of depression. But then…it stopped. It was like a glass floor–I could sink no further. I wasn’t particularly depressed–more angry because I’d been groped, and because the high was leaving. But I couldn’t get depressed–beyond a certain point, something, presumably the synthetic chemicals I put into my brain, held me and formed an impenetrable barrier. I couldn’t get any more depressed, and I could feel this haze stopping my emotions from getting any lower, and keeping them much weaker than they normally would be, even at that depth. And that was scary. As hellish as crashing is, I wanted to feel. I didn’t want to have my emotions deadened and penned up–as strange as it sounds, I wanted to get depressed. I started wanting to hurt myself, hurt myself physically, just to feel something as strong as I normally do. And that scared the shit out of me. So I’ve got horrible mixed feelings about the meds. I’m not going to stop taking them, at least not in the immediate future, because cycling has basically caused the shit to hit the fan and torn my life apart this year. But at the same time, I don’t want to go around in a drugged stupor–I don’t want the problems that come with bipolar, but I do want the intensity of experience, even when the experience is negative and unbearable.

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~ by theholyfool on May 3, 2009.

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